| Jun. 5th, 2006 @ 06:39 am Thoughts On Mom |
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So, it's my parent's anniversary...35 years, I think. But, there's only one parent alive and no celebration. Today was supposed to be the start of my dad's week vacation from the post office...he and mom were planning on going somewhere for their anniversary. A local trip of some sorts- I'm not totally sure.
That won't be happening...instead, the poor guy is off to work at 6:10. On the dot...as, I heard noise upstairs, went up there and saw him heading off in his truck.
So, this is my first day alone with no one else in the house. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I'm supposed to go upstairs and see mom sitting on the couch, maybe sleeping, maybe not...asking me to go to McDonald's for her to get her a breakfast sandwich. Maybe Arby's...I picked up one of their sandwiches on two occasions and she liked them a lot. I went upstairs and noticed a bunch of stuff in their room- all her nail polish bottles, bills marked "paid" in her handwriting...all so recent. A mere 13 days ago she was here and kicking, and now I'm still in the stage where it feels like a dream. This isn't real. Someone isn't here one day and gone forever the next.
I live in their house...in a basement apartment. I've never had a home away from home, unless you count this away from home...which means, this was a woman I saw nearly everyday of my life for 27 years. My best friend in the world- a woman I could talk to about anything. I could call her from work when I had all my stuff finished just to say hi, ask her if she had eaten (making sure she was feeling well and getting enough to eat and being able to make herself something, if no one else was home.) I could call her before I left work to let her know I wasn't coming straight home (she worried like crazy about all of her kids, always did, and I mean always.) I heard the phone yesterday at work, and for a split second, I forgot she's gone, and I expected to hear her on the other end of the phone asking me this or that...where is this, I wanted to mention this to you before I forgot, I wanted to let you know that we had this or that for dinner, so you won't have to stop on your way home to get anything yourself. Of course, the voice wasn't there on the other end. And it never will be again.
I prayed the night of her death to God...I prayed to the Lord for peace in knowing that it was okay- that this was just a stage in the mystery of life, that I would see her again in time, and that she was waiting in one of the rooms of the Father's house as Christ promised. He went and made a place for all of us who believe in him, and that goes for good ol' mom as well. Of course, there are disagreements as to when a person goes to be there- I tend to think, from my reading, that a person goes to a place of peace or just rest with nothing until Christ returns to bring the dead to life, all of us having our new, glorified bodies that will last forever in heaven. So, I think she's in slumber, but it won't seem like that to her- in the same sense that when you have surgery you don't have a sense of time, neither will you in this situation. You will feel like you went into darkness for a moment and woke up into a world filled with eternal light- light, not from the sun or any other star, but pure unending light from the Father himself. In a sense, she's in no slumber at all, because time will pass in an instant in this state.
So, dad is off to work- back to work after nearly 2 weeks off. Back to work on the day he was supposed to START his time off...on a day that is a celebration of their wedding vows. She wanted to renew them, but clearly never got the chance. This was supposed to be a very different week, indeed, but you can't know the future, and sometimes the future holds things we don't expect.
Like I said- I prayed for peace, and in a way I got it. I still feel sort of like this isn't real, but at the same time, I just think of her, the memories of all our time together, her dreams, goals, fears, favorite this and that and feel calm. She's into a realm where I cannot yet go, but someday...
Tomorrow will mark 2 weeks. It feels like an eternity, while at the same time it feels like a mere instant. Contradictory feelings, but not-so-contradictory in the end maybe.
She was my rock...27 years, maybe 3 months total without seeing her. I will go upstairs later (after some rest for work tonight- never could fall asleep last night), and I won't see her. But, I'll see all the things that remind me of her. Which is both good and bad...calming and painful. It feels like she's right here with me. I really feel this is the peace I so enerstly prayed for. Life isn't always fair...in fact, it's often quite unfair, and half the time it doesn't make sense. But, tomorrow is another day. Another day to remember her, to celebrate her life, another day to cherish my memories of her and the many things we did together over nearly 3 decades...one day closer to seeing her again. In time all will be made right, and in the end- that promise is all that matters. My Father's house has lots of rooms, my mother will be in one of them. I just hope she doesn't take too long to answer the door when I come knocking. |
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